Herman Hesse, butterfly

 I read his book called Butterfly.

The English book is not the version that I read, it was in Korean.

What brilliant he is about is that he knows how we feel guilt and shame. 

I know that he studied psychology later in his life, presumably because of his family history; depression, suicide, and mental difficulties among the family members - might have led him to study psychology.

When you feel connected with others, you find out that you have many similarities. 

I feel that with Herman a lot. That is why I want to read all of his books.

In his book, he steals a friend's butterfly and accidentally, destroys it. He apologises to the friend sincerely but ends up being shameful; the most filthy man verses the righteous friend. In the end, he destroys all of his butterflies. 

In that last part, he must felt shame and bitterness and did not forgive himself or his friend. How can it be the similar feeling that I felt when I was little? I thought I was innocent but I was the wrong one always by my ant who committed suicide. 

Her anger was every day new. Fresh and louder, every single day. 

I quite liked the last moment of her life, it was her decision and it was her destiny. 

The first time that I read his book was 'Demian'. I was a little 17-year-old girl who was full of self-blaming and lack of confidence, Demian illustrated almost perfectly the feelings between my dad, uncle, and other adults. My family was Christian family and my dad until my age 20, he was a holy, perfect, highly respected man to me. Hermes perfume, books that he wrote, food that he ate, and clothing that he was wearing were all far away from me. Me, struggle to find out what to wear out of my sister's closet, empty fridge (because we didn't live together), uneducated self. 

When I was about to graduate from University, we started to live together. Suddenly, all the respect and dreams about my dad faded away with the evil, dirty, boyish likeness. He was a man who didn't know how to communicate, always late, angry, demanding and controlling me. That transition made me so disappointed. Every day was like a war and I decided to move to Australia as soon as possible. 

I wanted to become and pretend to be a good and kind daughter which didn't work at that time. It took a long along time to understand each other. We, still create lots of misinterpretation and disappointment but I know that I would like to be connected to him through my heart which I belive he couldn't make it before I die.